did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
