I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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