When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
