I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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