I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
