he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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