Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
