We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
