Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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