went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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