Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
