Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
