she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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