Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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