honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
