I think i sorta joined a cult last night
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
