If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
