I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
