you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
