My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
