omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
