i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He? As in you personified your dick?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
