Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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