i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
