went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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