it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
