I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
