So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
