i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
