Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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