Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
