The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
