So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
