i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
