apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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