ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's even glitter on my cock...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
