You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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