If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
