Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
