remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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