Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
