Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
