i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
