Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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