Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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