Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Redeem this text for a blowjob
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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