I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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