You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
