he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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