if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
